The seeker's gap.
If you are a seeker, you are bound to an emotional gap between your true self and mainstream life.
I have always felt an emotional gap between what I thought was me, and who I actually am.
The one I thought I was tried to fit in and do what you “are supposed to do” with your life.
Stuff like, education, career, kids, house, vacations, and eventually retirement.
None of that is me. Except the kids. I do love kids, but I don't like the stuff they bring along.
It sets you up for everyday life because they have to go to school, have a home, etc.
As a seeker, that's pretty much the opposite of me.
A slow erosion
I have struggled to handle that gap throughout my life and as a result, my life has been messy.
Naturally, I have done what I can to take care of my kids, but over the years the emotional struggle has gotten harder.
I would have thought that I eventually got used to living like everyone else, but that's not the case.
On the contrary, my inner life has been pulling me further away from it, and made me try several escape attempts that didn't work.
The truth is that I have never really figured out how to live in a way that supports my personality as a seeker.
The only thing I know for sure is that mainstream life doesn't work for me. All it gives me is a slow erosion of my true self.
Closing the gap
So, my question these days is, how do I move on in a way that's true to who I am?
On one side, I want to close the emotional gap I carry inside while I can. I want to feel alive, instead of like a living dead. On the other, I want to be a good parent.
I believe many seekers find themselves in a similar situation, and struggle like I do.
And, although I can only speak for myself, I also believe that no seeker in the world will ever find peace in mainstream life.
We belong to the opposite end of the spectrum.
It's hard to accept, but it's true, and it leaves us with just one option:
Make your life extraordinary, and involve the kids in it.
Yes, it will be a compromise (kids always are) but it won't kill you. In fact, it might just make you a great role model.
I'm not saying it's easy. I know for a fact it's not.
Still, it's possible, and we should do our best of finding the extraordinary way forward. It's our responsibility as seekers.